The Chevalier Chronicles

012712

2012-01-27T22:38:00.001-08:00

First post from my cell phone. I've been bummed that Blogger doesn't have an official app, but I figured it might be best to just bookmark the page in safari and do it that way. Not as eat, but still workable. I need mobile options, I never want to post when I'm at work, and when I'm at home on my comp I'm looking at other stuff (not porn). I'm not sure how to do my soundtrack vids though. I'll experiment for a bit and see what I can do. Also this post might have errors, spelling/grammar wise since I'm kinda writing fast- and with my thumbs. It's Friday night and I'm in my uber comfy bed, with my new headphones on, reading and rocking out. Bliss! This is my favorite thing to do. I love having my nose stuck in a book. The only thing I'm missing is a milkshake. Chocolate! I found a couple jobs I want to apply for. But I keep exiting before I finish my cover letter. Nothing sounds right, nothing can convey how much I want to be considered, how much I want to be given a chance without sending desperate. Or I just come off as boring and unintelligent. Which of course I am not! I have always had trouble converting my thoughts into words, which is the main reason I stopped writing. It got really hard. But I guess it's supposed to be hard. And I'll only get better by practicing... I keep accidently adding spaces when I got for letters on he bottom row. Ugh maybe it will just be easier to do this on an actual keyboard.

010312

2012-01-03T23:41:00.000-08:00

So this is the new year, and I don't feel any different.

New Year's Eve was kind of a disaster. A fun disaster, but still a tornado-like mess.

I'm not going to drink again until my cruise in March. That's my number one New Year's Resolution. Another is to stick to a regime: Gym 3 times a week, nightly floss when I brush my teeth, wear my contacts more often, eat healthier. I need to be in better shape than I am, and I need to start caring about myself more. I can't treat my body like poop if I still want to be hot when I'm 50.

I lost my Driver's License, and now I feel weird without it. I need to go to the DMV but its actually pretty annoying. I don't have time enough on my lunch break, and if I go on my day off, it will have to wait until next Tuesday. I think that's my best bet. I want to take a new picture too, and that will give me ample time to get ready and look decent. If I go on my lunch break I'll look haggard and tired. I dont want that to be my ID picture! Also, I'm annoyed because I just have to go back and get a new one in a few months when we move. So this is approx. $25 I shouldn't have to spend, but unfortunately, I do. Ugh, sometimes I really disappoint myself.

I love Sherlock Holmes. Not the Robert Downey Jr. movie, but the BBC series. I watched the first of the new series tonight and I loved it! Can't wait for next Sunday. I hate that there are only 3 though. Skins starts up soon too. I'm still trudging my way through the first series, I have one episode left. Then s2, s3, s4 and s5 again.

Anyway, I need to be asleep right now. It's too late for me and I am not going to want to get up in the morning. Hopefully I fall asleep fast. I have been having trouble with that a lot lately.

122011

2011-12-20T19:10:00.000-08:00

Today's song is "Dead Hearts" by Stars. Stars has some great songs, and this is one of them. I don't have as much as their music as I would like, if I get an iTunes gift card for Christmas from someone I'll probably buy more of their albums. Stars has some heartbreaking songs, if you're in the mood for depressing look them up. At the same time, they have some happy ones... so it's a toss up.

We went and saw "Like Crazy" today at the Vine. I have been wanting to watch it for ages. I really liked it. It was sad, and slightly depressing, but I really enjoyed it. Anton Yelchin is kind of going bald, but he does a good job; Felicity Jones is really pretty, and their relationship is very believable. The tension and stresses they experience seems realistic and brings an authenticity to the movie that I love. The ending is open to interpretation, but I think they stay together. Kourtney doesn't.

We're gonna end up moving into my aunt's house. It's nice and big, but at the same time, it's not our house. It's gonna be a big change. I keep questioning what I should do. Should I just move out on my own finally? I think I'm going to stay until I know someone who wants to move out, or until Kourt starts paying rent (when she moves back permanently). At least all of our furniture will fit!

Tomorrow is the Shark's game! I'm very excited :) I hope we win! Their season has been topsy turvy lately, so it would be nice if it got a bit more consistent.

I should take a shower now, before I get too comfortable. I'm going bowling later, and although I dont want wet hair, I don't want to take one when I get back. Maybe I'll actually blow dry it tonight. Or put it in pigtails for bowling. I want to look cute tomorrow (although all my clothes are dirty!).

I can't think of anything exciting to write right now. I want to talk about my feelings lately, but I keep getting distracted. Maybe another time will be better.

121211

2011-12-12T22:35:00.000-08:00

Today's song is "Eet" by Regina Spektor. I don't know why I always pick slower songs to be my soundtracks for my blog. I like a lot of fast paced upbeat music as well. But I think the slower, prettier melodies stick a bit longer in my head....

I've been really good about going to the gym lately. I bailed last night because my back hurt, but Kourt and I went tonight. It was a short session, but better than nothing. I need to do it as often as I can. I wanted to take a Yoga class tonight but no one wanted to do it with me. So maybe next week. Tomorrow is a Zumba class I kinda want to do. But, again, I won't do it alone. Hopefully Missy will be up for it.

Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist and get some cavities filled.... I'm not looking forward to it. Ugh, it scares me. They give you shots..... IN YOUR MOUTH!! Ouch. Anyway.

Josh has been emailing me lately. It kind of threw me off life at first, because I resigned myself to the fact that we would never be friends again. At least, nowhere near where we were before. I still don't think I could be super close with him, at least not right away. I still get anxious when he's around- and not in the good way. But that's just my great wall of China acting up again. I'll have to see what happens. I don't know why all of a sudden he's started, but I did notice on facebook that he's not 'in a relationship' with Erin, so maybe that has to do with it...

I might have to start hiking! Jaime wanted me to go with him this past Saturday, but I was working. I said I would go (because he loves it so much) but we'll have to see if I like it. Maybe I'll like it a lot more since it won't be 105 degrees outside when we go? And we'll have a plan, unlike when I went with Missy and Dainelle over the summer. Anyway, I'm actually kind of excited about it. What if I am more outdoorsy than I ever thought? Hmm..

Sidney Crosby is out again... concussion symptoms. Indefinitely. Lame. The Sharks can't win a game to save their lives right now! I think we have won one game in the last 6. WE are so behind. What I don't get, ist hat we are a good team! We have great goal scorers, and a great goalie. So what's going on??! We need to get our heads in the game.

I'm thinking of redoing Adventures in Recapping. But its a huge time commitment, and I don't know if I'll be able to do it. I failed at a whole season last time... But maybe I'll try again. Being Human and.... The River. Or a new show that I can't think of right now (I'll look it up in a bit). I have always wanted to be a TV writer/reviewer, and at least this will get me a bit closer than just sitting on my butt!

It looks like we are going to be moving to Pleasanton when we have to leave the house. My aunt has an extra house that's empty that we can rent. She has completely updated it, but hasn't rented it to anyone. So I think we're gonna take it. It's 3 bedrooms, nice neighborhood, close to downtown.... we'll see how it goes. We'll be able to store everything in our garage, so we won't need a storage unit, that's a plus. But Tia will be our landlord, and that is kinda scary to mom and dad... but it would be loads better than an apartment.

I really want to be fit and tan by the time we go to Miami. I messed up on the hotel reservation, but whatever. I wanted to stay at the expensive hotels, but I figured cheap would be better. Now the hotel it came up with is so far away, its gonna cost a ton just for a taxi to go out to the clubs! Or get to the Port. I need to look into if I can cancel it....

120711

2011-12-07T19:51:00.001-08:00

I am officially going straight to Hell when I die. Why, you may ask? Because of poor Hunter. Dad took him to the pound this weekend when I was in Disneyland and had him put to sleep. I feel so bad for him. The tumor on his eye, his arthritis.... Every time I saw him I felt guilty.... and now he's gone. He was probably scared. Ugh I am a horrible person.

112711

2011-11-27T19:26:00.001-08:00

Today's song is "Soft Shock" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs. The video is set to A Little Mermaid, which is one of my favorite Disney movies. I was searching for the song on Youtube, and found this video. I thought it was interesting, I would never have put these two things together.

Anyway,

It's weird, packing up all my stuff. I don't like doing it. We still don't know when we have to move. We'll get at least 30 days notice, but thats not that comforting. We also still don't know where we are moving to! That's also not very comforting. Everything about this sucks major BALLS.

I think Ive ruined my bed by always sleeping in the same spot and never rotating my mattress. Oops.

God I'm so fucking boring. I can't think of anything to say. I can't even find anything to whine about right now. I booked a bad hotel for the cruise, but it was cheap. And I hate being in charge of this kind of stuff. Why can't someone else take over for once, why am I always in charge! I don't like it.

112511

2011-11-25T14:04:00.001-08:00

Today's song is "Heartlines" by Florence and the Machine. It;s so epic sounding and awesome. The new CD "Ceremonials" is full of songs like this, that seem to sweep away all worries and dark thoughts. They flow like water through my body and leave me feeling peaceful and content. I listened to it the whole drive to and from Santa Rosa yesterday- it really helped keep me center while stuck in the back of the suburban super uncomfortable. It's really good really loud, with eyes closed.I always post on my tumblr when I feel fleeting emotions and thoughts I can't keep contained. I find myself confessing things on that instead of this, posting pictures that catch my eye and make me happy. It's more a blog that reflects my emotional state than this is. This is whiny rant that probably is awful. But I like having the two separate. I like going back and seeing what I felt when.Today I feel tired. Thanksgiving was a lot of fun, but the drive was awful. I had to work today and that just bummed me out. Luckily we are getting off early, and I can go home. Then out and about I go. I need to take a shower, or at least put on a hat and a better shirt if I am going to leave the house. I don't know when I became complacent about my looks. I used to wear so much makeup, put so much time into my appearance. What changed? Because now I could care less. Maybe when my skin cleared up and I started wearing my glasses everyday instead of my contacts? But I like my glasses, they give me character.... Maybe its when I decided I value sleep over pretty much anything else. Maybe it's when I became super depressed and decided that I didn't care about anything.... I don't know. I'm not so depressed any more, not so lazy. Yet I don't get dressed up unless I have to, don't put on makeup unless I have time to do it well. Blah this doesn't even mean anything. Sara brought up moving to New York next year. I want to go with her so bad. I need to get out of here. But I always say that. And look where I am.what am I going to do? I used to have such ambition! I used to have goals, used to be able to make them happen. But I can't do it anymore. All my efforst fall through, all my hard work turns to waste.

111911

2011-11-20T21:17:00.001-08:00

Soundtrack for the day is from Twilight (see later in the post for why). It's called "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" by Iron and Wine. It's Bella and Edward's prom and wedding song (ugh). But it's so pretty! I can't deny it's awesomeness. So here ya go:It's part of my new plan to stay updated with this blog. Also, hit the gym more often. I haven't been to the gym since before I went to Texas. That is not ok, especially with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up. We heard back from the bank, the won't accept the offer on our house, it's too low (which is what I thought from the get-go, $495k was just offensive). So we have to counteroffer and get at least $525k, otherwise the house has to go back on the market again. And that means we have to clean the house again, and make sure its sparkly every morning. Which means I have to make my bed. Ugh, I really don't want to do that.Sidney starts again tomorrow!!!! He hasn't played in almost a year (it was January when he got his concussion). I love my friends, both Jaime and James texted me to let me know. I have to try and catch the game, but they're playing NY Islanders so I don't know if it will be on TV here. I hope so. I hope he scores at least one goal. He's so good, I'm so excited for him to be back. Too bad we already played the Penguins thought. It's contradictory, but Sidney Crosby is my favorite player, while the Sharks are my favorite team. They won tonight, FYI. They're so good, I love watching them. Dad bought tickets for us to go in March, right before I leave for my cruise. BTW, the cruise is almost all paid for! I paid my share, Jessica paid hers, and I think Missy paid hers as well. I don't know about Sarena, Dainelle or Jackie though. I can't see their info. So now all we need is flights (which I'm not gonna buy until after Christmas). Jackie and Dainelle want to get theirs a lot sooner but I think it might be cheaper the closer it gets to the trip (not last minute or anything, but I read an article saying that 8 weeks before a trip is the best time to buy tickets... that, and to buy them on a Tuesday). I still have to book the hotel, I was supposed to do that last week but I haven't had a chance yet. I have to pay for my teeth, and therefore don't really have an extra $400 to float for a hotel room right now.... I guess I could just put it on my credit card like I did the deposit.... Money, why are you so much trouble! House hunt is in a lull. Nothing new on the market in awhile, and one I wanted to see today was delayed until after Thanksgiving (lame). Someone please sell your cozy cute house for cheap because I'm getting kicked out of mine so very soon and I need somewhere to live!Now to explain the song: we went and saw Breaking Dawn this morning. It was awful. The birthing scene is pure horror, and any tween girl who sees it won't have sex EVER. hahaha. But for reals, it was ridiculous. There were yelling wolves, and wedding nightmares, and very sickly looking actresses. I seriously hope that her whole body was digitally enhanced, because it was disgusting. But the wedding was pretty, and the song fits. And it's been stuck in my head all day :)Also today we set up our Christmas tree. It will probably be the last time we can use our tree, since it's 12 feet tall and no other place we live will be able to house it. It's sad, I love that tree (although setting it up is effing ridic!). We put the ornaments on it tomorrow. It's a little early, but I like having it up. It's so pretty with all the lights.

111611

2011-11-16T13:24:00.001-08:00

Today's soundtrack is "Midnight City" by M83. I absolutely love this song. I heard it in an episode of "How To Make It In America" and I wrote down the lyrics, googled it and bought it off Itunes. Now it's one of my most listened songs! As you may notice, I haven't updated this in ages. I'm no longer in Texas. I'm back in CA. And I'm miserable, like always! Nothing has changed at all. I still have my job, still have to move out of my house (and we still don't know when), and I still would rather sleep in until 12 than do anything else. Things that are different. I am more actively looking for a place to buy. I put an offer in at one place, but they accepted someone else's cash offer instead. There's another place I want, but I can't go look at it until Saturday (it's the same layout as the last place, only updated). I've been to a lot of places, but none that I actually would want to own. I want a townhouse so I don't have anyone above me except my family. I want 3 bedrooms so I don't have to share with Kourtney when she moves home over the summer. And I want a decent kitchen (which I can always fix up later down the road, so that's not a big huge deal to me). But I only can afford up to $200,000 and there's not that much that low. What there is gets snatched up super quickly, so I have to act fast. I have a feeling that we're gonna have to live with Aunt Cathy for a little while.... Ugh, don't get me started on losing the house. It's fucking bullshit. This is Dad's best year! He's made more money this year than he has EVER, and we still have to sell our house. I want to cut someone's fucking throat. Well not really. I want CHASE as a company to pull their heads out of their asses and help people instead of screwing them over.I have to pack my room up, it's a mess. I put all my DVDs (at the time, I've already accrued more) into under-the-bed storage containers, but I still have my new DVDs, my TV shows, and all my books to put away. Then I have all my clothes, my pictures, my knick knacks, those crazy dolls that grandma made.... It's a lot of stuff. It's daunting and I don't want to do it. I am still totally in denial about having to move. I keep telling myself if I don't pack then it's not really real. But.... it is. So that's that. I went to the dentist yesterday for the first time in 4 years. It was not good. I have to go back 3 more times to get everything fixed up. I love Obama for giving me healthcare coverage again. It's scary to not have insurance. Oh my god I am tired. Can I crawl back into my very comfy bed? And not have to wake up again? I know I just had yesterday off (and trust me, working 4 days is soooo much better than working 5, I don't even care about the paycheck difference), but I want a naptime too.

090511

2011-09-05T15:38:00.000-07:00

Adele "Someone Like You"
This song is beautiful. I can listen to it over and over again and just absorb it into my skin. I revel in her rich voice, her pain and sorrow seeping through the lyrics and melodies.

I'm in Texas, and it's so different from California. Everything here is spread out, flat, and dusty. Sarena's been showing me around, so I can get a feel for it. We went to the National Cowgirl Museum yesterday and today we kind of just drove around. I made a list of things I want to do, I want to see. I think on Friday we are going to tour Cowboys Stadium, and we're gonna see the Fort Worth Zoo. Tomorrow Sarena has to go back to work, so I'm gonna stay in and research Dallas/Fort Worth PR firms and job opportunities, then Wednesday I'm gonna find a ride into downtown and get to passing out my resume and stuff. Time to do work!

082911

2011-08-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

Rihanna's "Cheers" because I'm in a radio pop kinda mood:

All the presents I bought the other day have arrived! I thought the Top Gear stuff for Shaun would take a long time, but they came within a week, and I didn't pay anything additional for faster shipping. That works out perfectly, I can wrap everything up and give it out! I gave Dad his already, and Dainelle's came packed up nicely, but Shaun's and Sarena's I'll have to figure something out. I hope they like the color of cardboard!

I'm super busy this week. Tomorrow I am meeting up with a broker about getting preapproved for a home loan, Wednesday I'm going out with Shaun for dinner for his birthday (and to give him his present), Thursday I am adding more purple to my hair, and Friday is a little get together at Dainelle's for her birthday. Then Saturday I leave to Texas!

I am scared about Texas, I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm mostly anxious about how I'm gonna get around, what I'm gonna do for two weeks. I wanted to go for a long time, but maybe two weeks is overkill? I won't have a car, and I looked up the bus system and it doesn't seem to go near Sarena's house! Rental cars are $36 a day, but maybe I can swing one for a couple days. I can probably get a ride to DART to get into Dallas a couple days.... but I haven't worked it out yet.

I'm bringing my laptop, so I'll still be online, I'm gonna charge my camera as well. I'm gonna keep everyone updated (though probably through Tumblr instead of my blog).

I went to a party with Ericho and Missy on Sunday (it was a W.A.S.P. themed party, complete with mimosas and croquet) and I met a guy named Mark who works for a PR firm in the city. We talked for a bit, and he gave me the information for the recruiter he went thought. He's also emailed me some openings that I"m gonna gear up and write cover letters for right now. I might finally get a PR job! Of course, it's right before I head out to Texas for a two week retreat. But hey, it's something more than I had on Saturday! The Universe has always worked in weird ways for me, maybe this is another one of those things.

I reopened my OkCupid profile (for reasons unknown to me, I just felt I had to do it). I forgot how it was kind of exhausting keeping up with all the messages sent. I don't want to be rude so I try to respond to everyone, but it takes me a few days sometimes, and they;re not always the best replies. Mostly because I am reluctant to really chat with someone and have them want to meet up. I don't want to meet up, I just want someone to talk to. I'm lonely for conversation and hearing new stories, but I don't want a romantic connection. I don't know if I could handle that right now (though also on one hand I want to test my previously crippling anxiety issues).

I have to try and figure out how to link my writing samples to my resume on my website. I'm sure it's googleable, but that's low on my priorities list.... But it shouldn't be! Time to change that. It will be a bit higher up- I have to pack and get my loan papers sorted for tomorrow. Linking pdf copies of my news releases can be done tomorrow at work.

I'm also thinking about redoing the website and the blog, the purple and the black and white photos are pretty classy (and both photos were taken by moi), but I think I want to spice it up a bit. Hunt for a new background picture is added to the list!

082411

2011-08-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

Soundtrack again in the beginning. "Pieces" by Chase & Status feat. Plan B.

I heard this on 'Misfits' a British show that I have become obsessed with. It's on Hulu, so I've pretty much powered through the episodes the past two weeks. I have 2 left, and I have a feeling I will be done with them tonight, lol.

One of the actors, Iwan Rheon, has become an infatuation of mine. Oh British boys with pretty eyes.

Things have been looking up lately. I think I feel a lot less stressed knowing I have this vacation/retreat planned. A week and a half until I'm out of here for two weeks, and when I get back I can (possibly) quit for good!

I saw a posting on one of my websites today, for an internship with them. I think I'm gonna apply, I would actually be really good at it I think. I read the site daily, and am looking to improve my writing skills and experience. Lifehacker, here I come! I would also really like to work for io9, because the futuristic sci-fi movies and books are one of my passions.

The sad fact is, It's 10:09 right now, and I have done all my work for the day. So that means I am going to sit around until 5 just waiting for the phone to ring (which isn't happening very often).

Browsing Etsy is gonna clean out my wallet, so I 'm thinking today is a Wikipedia exploration day.

082211

2011-08-22T13:04:00.001-07:00

Ticket purchased, Texas here I come.

I am not gonna lie, I'm extremely scared of this trip. This might change my whole life around. Am I ready for that? I've been wanting change for so long, but I've always thought it would be small changes, a new job, a new boyfriend, or a new apartment. This would be a whole new everything- job, apartment, probably not boyfriend though...

And if it doesn't amount to anything, then what? Will I come back to my static miserable life? I don't think so. Hopefully this retreat will also bring some clarity along with new adventures.

Today at work I'm gonna research PR firms and a way to get around. Rental cars are about $33 per day, I don't know if that's something I'll want to do, or if I should just bus it up.

I don't want to sound uber depressing or anything, but all I can think about is what if this doesn't work out? I mean, things can't get that much worse than they already are, but there is always a slim chance...

I'm like a deer in the headlights right now, too afraid to do anything so I just stay still. Why can't I grow a spine? Make decisions for once?

This was supposed to me my showcase for my writing, and it has turned into the Whiney Town Gazette.

I need to get a grip.

081611

2011-08-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

Soundtrack in the beginning today (this is something that I should remember to do each time, it makes a lot more sense).
Wild Horses byThe Sundays. This is a cover of The Rolling Stones songs (which is one of my favorite songs EVER, and it sounds so pretty with female vocals. It's also a key point in Buffy season 3, which is how I first heard the song. Basically, it's gorgeous and I am going to put in on repeat while I write this tonight.

tl;dr Pretty song- press play.

I am almost ready to book my ticket to Texas! Tomorrow I am going to solidify the dates with George, and then press the purchase button. It's scary, but it's a necessary change.

I can do so much better in a new environment. Things have become so toxic here lately. It's become such a burden, and I feel like I have no one to talk to about it, no one wants to hear my complaints and sobs. I messed up at work today, and I was crying in the office. I'm so distracted with everything else going on, I can't even think straight at work. This is an obvious sign that I have to do something about it.

This weekend was a blast, a great distraction from the dump my life has become in the past month. Missy, Dainelle, Kourtney, James, Eric Ma, Keanu and I went camping and white water river rafting. We left on Friday at 3 (the original plan was to leave at 1:30 but the boys were late). We got in around 6 and started setting up. The girls got our tent together super fast (we had practiced the night before to make sure we knew what we had to do) and we started sorting the food and the stove and stuff. There were a few problems, we had the wrong size propane tank so we had to drive to the closest store and get one ($50!!).

We ended up getting super drunk Friday night, and were kind of a nuisance. Saturday we hung out, played card games, waded in the river and I read more of my books. We went to sleep relatively early (11 pm) and were quiet. We woke up early, before 8 which is astonishing for me, and started packing everything up. We were out of there by 1030 and on the road.

Unfortunately it only took 9 minutes to get to where we were rafting, and our check in wasn't until 1 pm- so we had some time to kill. We ate at a local cafe and instantly regretted it (which reminds me,I have to post my reviews on Yelp for the rafting company and the cafe). They ignored us at first, then were out of everything, then served us cold food. It was awful, and the whole place smelled really bad. They had some games, so we played some chess and mancala then walked around a bit more. We were able to go to the rafting company and play in the river until it was our turn to check in and go on our trip, but those two hours were the slowest two hours ever. Finally it was 1 and we got in our boat (after the requisite safety talk of course). Our guide was John and he was very knowledgeable. He even went along with our inane conversations.

We had a great time, and even today, 2 days later, my whole body is sore from rowing. I sat in the front, the wettest seat in the boat. But I loved it. I even got out for one of the rapids and went through on my back with my life vest! Why waste such an ideal opportunity to do something unique? I didn't want to regret any part of the trip, and looking back... I only wish we had taken pictures.

I was a bit grumpy the next day, but I always am when I am tired. Tonight was gonna be my recuperating night, but I also needed to catch up on my shows. So it's 9:15, and now I am in between shows. Should I watch one more Misfits? Or the first part of Falling Skies? Or Alphas? Or go to sleep?

I can't decide. But I know for sure that I want some ice cream, so I'm guessing I'll end up watching Misfits (it's on Hulu, and I love it- Iwan Rheon is my new obsession).

I need to start looking for jobs in Dallas. I need to be able to sustain myself if I want to move out there. I applied for a job today, for the Pier 1 corporate offices. Cross your fingers for me! I have to come up with a clever way to state in my cover letter that I am relocating, and not to judge me for a job because my address says California as opposed to Texas. That will be tomorrow's chore.

I have a feeling I'm going to get yelled at for the doors today, because they were such a mess and I think it was my fault. I'm gonna have to check the paperwork, but I think it's my fault. Ugh, I am so stressed out.

None of my thoughts are cohesive, and anyone who reads this will pick up on that right away. All I can say is, this isn't a polished blog. This is me unloading my brain so I can go to sleep at night. This is me venting my frustrations and complaints so I don't have to nag my friends anymore. This is me keeping track of the things I do, because I don't want to forget them.

072811

2011-07-28T12:58:00.000-07:00

You know what's not fun? Job hunting.

You know what's not fair? Job hunting.

I have been looking for a starting PR position for 3 years now, and have gotten nowhere. Now most people would think, "What does that say about me?" but I think, "What does that say about the PR economy right now?" Every job posting I find for an associate, or coordinator, or something that should be entry level (I'm not talking AE or SAE here) wants 3+ years experience. How am I supposed to come up with 3 years of experience if I can't find a job who will hire someone with no experience?

I had some experience, I had two internships in college. But that was 3 years ago now, and only added up to about 7 months worth. I've been on tons of interviews, but nothing ever pans out. I've blamed myself a lot, but now I get it.

What can I do to overcome this disadvantage? I am OK with starting low and moving up (eventually). I am OK with answering phones and sending emails and getting the mail. But what do I do to get in the door?

I have no connections, and any that I did I tried to use when I first started looking for a job.

This whole thing spurred when Rachel told me yesterday that she's tired of working here and wants a new job. Fear swept over me like hail on a stormy day (does that work? Hmm I can't seem to come up with a relevant metaphor). She can't quit before I do, I will never get out of here. I freaked out. And if she gets a job before me, I will cry.

072511 (2)

2011-07-25T21:03:00.000-07:00

Bayside "Blame It On Bad Luck"
As soon as I walk in the door I can tell something is wrong. I walk in to voices that hush as soon as the garage door creaks open. Mom sits leisurely on the big leather chair cracking sunflower seeds when I step into the living room. The greet me with friendly conversation as I cross to the kitchen, but once I put my purse down she tells me I should sit down. I grab a cold bottle of iced tea from the fridge and pull out the tall stiff chairs we have set at our kitchen island.

'What's going on?' I ask.

'We've been expecting a letter from the bank, and it arrived today,' she said. 'We aren't going to be able to stay in the house. We didn't qualify for the loan modification, and because of the bank's screw up from last year, we owe twenty thousand dollars to the bank as well as our monthly payments went up to three thousand a month. We can't afford that, so we aren't going to be able to stay.'

I've been expecting this, we've been waiting almost two weeks for this particular letter to arrive. After numerous phone calls with the bank over the past three months, my dad finally was able to talk to someone who could only tell him to wait for the letter. And here it is. Bad news. I'm still holding my iced tea, but suddenly I'm not thirsty. I don't want to be sitting, I need to do something, busy my hands. I start to put the uneaten snacks in my lunchbox away.

'So what are we gonna do? Is the bank gonna foreclose on our house? Do we have to sell it? How long til we have to move out?' I ask, questions spilling out of me like an overflowing pitcher.

Dad starts talking now, 'we don't know exactly yet, we have to talk to Tia. She can help us with the real estate questions, and her friend Sydney will be able to help us with the loan questions. We think we will be able to short sale the house, and if that's the case we don't know how long it will take. It might take a few months, it might take a few weeks. But do have to figure it out still. We just found out, and we wanted you to know. You can move with us or you can find your own apartment with your friends. It's up to you. But as of right now, it's up in the air.'

This is a lot to take in. Though not unexpected, it's still a shock, similar to Amy Winehouse's death a few days ago. It's a mess but at least we don't have to wait for it to come anymore. It's here and now we have to deal with it.

Mom continues, 'we also have a question for you. Your father can't go without his work truck much longer. No one will give us a loan with our credit scores now that this has happened. We were wondering if we could use you to buy dad a new truck. It would have to be in your name, but we would make all the payments, the deposit, the registration, etc. But we don't qualify for any financing, and your credit score is still impeccable.'

'Of course,' I say. 'That doesn't bother me at all. I don't mind using my name to get dad a new truck, I know he's not gonna stiff me on the payments and he wouldn't do anything to damage my credit score. Maybe we can do the same thing with a new house?' I ask. 'I can look into condos or houses for sale cheap here in town, and we can buy that under my name, instead of having to move into a crappy apartment.'

'What about the stove?' I hear myself ask. My dad has a really expensive Wolf stove he bought a few years ago, and I don't see them leaving it in a house they aren't going to be able to keep or even profit from. 'Our fridge, the hottub? Do we have to start packing up now?' I keep asking questions, though I know they don't have all the answers yet.

'We're taking the stove and the fridge, and maybe even the island. It wasn't a part of the house when we bought it, and we don't want anyone else to have it if we can't. We can store the stove and the fridge in storage until we find another house, or maybe sell it on craigslist. The hot tub stays. It's getting old and breaking down, and we can't move it anyway,' dad states.

'As for packing, I don't know. If we have to start showing the house for a short sale, we have to get rid of all personal pictures and any valuable items we don't want out. But I don't think we have to do that for awhile yet. Like I said, we're just finding out today, we should have some time to call and ask questions. Unfortunately no one at the bank has any idea what is going on, they all have their heads up their asses.'

'Why, what happened?' I inquire.

'We have called 4 different people today, and gotten 4 different answers to the same question. No one over there knows what is going on, and that doesn't help us any. We just have to take our time and weigh our options. But if you could take some time tomorrow at work and look up apartments or condos in the valley, we would appreciate it,' dad says, in a suprisingly calm voice.

The thought runs through my mind that we are poor. We've been poor for awhile, but we've always had our house. Now we won't have our house. What will my friends think? What will I do? I've been wanting to move out for ages, but not under these circumstances, I dont want to ditch my parents if they need me the most now. And what about Kourtney? My mind is running a million miles a minute. I exchange my iced tea for a bottle of the pear cider I just bought this weekend.

'This is gonna be a long week,' I sigh as I open my beer. My head is still full of questions, but I won't get the answers yet, better put them away for later. I try to calm my mind and relax. I sit on the couch, and look at my parents, both who have given up so much for me, and whose lives are soon to be crashing down around them. A lot of other people are in the same situation, they remind me. But it's hard when it's so close, when it's personal.

I know we will pull through this, but it's gonna take strength I don't know if I have ever tapped into before.

072511

2011-07-25T13:24:00.001-07:00

Soundtrack time! Today is "A Day To Remember" doing Better Off This Way:

I'm at work at the moment, on the verge of bursting into tears. This time though, it's not because someone was extremely rude to me on the phone. That has happened twice in the past, but today it's because of my own frustration with myself. I need to motivate myself to GET OFF MY BUTT and find another job. This stepping stone I've been sitting on for the past two and a half years is sinking into the ocean, and I need to move on. I feel like that Frogger video game I always played as a kid; I can't leave the middle island to reach the other side. The cars are moving too fast and there are no empty spots for me to sneak into. I skated through the first level easily, hopping from spot to spot like there were no obstacles. I think of that as my schooling. I loved school and it was simple for me. I had a goal, and I achieved it. I got good grades, I participated in events and sports, and I finished in 4 years. But now I'm stranded, and those years are slipping farther and farther away, along with my relevant experience.

So I have another plan, I'm gonna try and form a PR plan for work. We just started a commercial side of the business, so I want to try and expand our web presence on that. If it succeeds I will have relevant (and, more importantly, recent) PR experience to show potential employers.

Also, I just read a job ad for a position at Google that I would kill for, as soon as I go home I am going to rewrite my resume and cover letter and apply for it. I know I would hit it out of the park if given a chance. Even just an interview would be awesome.

Updates on my weekend:
Went to Great America with the girls, had a blast. I love rollercoasters. Afterward Missy and I rented 'Insidious' and were totally creeped out. That was a scary movie. red faced demons and ghosts popping out of corners.... crazy. We also rented 'The Eagle', and I remembered the huge crush I have on Jamie Bell (he's so adorable). Sunday Kourt and I rented even more movies and watched some "Rookie Blue." Mom and dad went up to Mt. Shasta to visit Aunt Gretchen so they were out of town, so we made enchiladas for dinner and watched True Blood. It was a good lazy day (although we had to get dressed and go to the store for ingredients).

...and then we're caught up to today!

072111

2011-07-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

I forget to blog. A lot. I read an article today about how if you are unemployed, blogging can help you find a new job. Blogging about industry relevant things, not random stuff like I write about. Also, it said to write 4 times a day. I don't have the time for that, I barely have time to write more than 4 times a month!! But maybe it would help. This is attached to my website (not that anyone really goes on it that doesn't already know me).

Anyway, today's soundtrack is another slow song that I have become attached to. Kate Walsh "Your Song":

It's from my sister's favorite movie, Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging. It's a cute teenager movie imported from Britain. Aaron Johnson is in it as her Sex God, and he actually is quite attractive in it (his later movies notsomuch- have you see Chatroom? Or even Kick Ass?). Anyway, the song is pretty.

Went to Tahoe with mom these past 4 days. I had a good time, kept mostly to myself and reading and napping and getting tan. I am so dark now, but I also have 4 bug bites that are getting really big and nasty. One on my leg has almost turned purple and is the size of a quarter. I've been putting Benadryl on it but it doesn't make much of a difference. It;s getting to the point where it is kind of concerning me actually. I can't afford to go to the doctor, so I hope it clears up!

Kourtney's fish died tonight. At the same time. Mom thinks its because she changed the water, but I don't want to make her feel worse so we keep denying that was it. Kabobby turned gray, it's really nasty looking. To see him a few days earlier, frolicking around in his orange citrus skin you would never think he would die so soon. Mom is really upset, but Dad keeps stressing that they are Goldfish, and they die all the time. Mom's own old fish Chunk barely lasted a month. Kabobby was 6 years old, and Sean Paul was 1. A moment of silence for the fish who followed you around the room and begged for food like puppies.

I'm halfway through Game Of Thrones (the book, I already finished the TV series) and I don't want to put it down even though I know exactly what happens because I watched the series (which is so similar and true to its original form). But i didn't want to miss small details, thoughts of the characters, 'deleted scenes.' So I'm reading the books. I also got A Clash Of Kings which I will start as soon as I finish Game Of Thrones. Season two will not be on until next spring, but I can't wait. I have decided that Jon Snow and Daenerys are my favorite characters. Emilia Clarke plays Daenerys on the HBO series, and I think she is beautiful with the icy silver hair and violet eyes. It's hard to keep myself from reading spoilers of all the other books... but I'm trying!

Done for now. There is something in my eye and it's really bugging me, I can barely see.

071111

2011-07-11T20:46:00.000-07:00

Forgot about the soundtrack the last couple of posts. Here's today's: "Roslyn" by Bon Iver and St. Vincent. It's pretty, and I had forgotten about it until it played on my wake up playlist this morning. It's from the Twilight: New Moon soundtrack, but I think we can forgive it that since it's so pretty. Have listen and read on folks!

We didn't qualify for the loan modification on our house. So far, that's all we know. We also know that we can't afford to pay 3k to live here anymore. So we will probably have to sell the house. Which makes me feel.... depressed. Like the gypsies and beggars you see in old Dickens stories.
We don't know what the plan is yet. We have some time, but the big picture looks grim. We might be able to move into Tia's extra house in Pleasanton. It's in a good location, on Black ave, right off Santa Rita, but still. It won't be our home. It will be Tia's house that we are staying in. It will be awkward.
Maybe this is a sign that I should move out, let mom and dad find somewhere cheap, 2 beds for them and Kourt, and brave my own way into the world yet again. I might end boomeranging it again, but I won't know until I try. But I'm scared. I'm scared I won't be able to do anything. I still want to live in Paris. I still want to see Greece again. I still want to try another city in the states, live in NY. Maybe it's a sign I should just up and move out of the state completely like I wanted, all alone. No one is gonna come with me, but I think I could deal. I just have to be bubblier, just have to try harder. I just have to get up the strength and leave the house. Leave the word I know behind. I've done it once (although I wasn't too far and I didn't have to pay for it) and I know that I can do it again. If I put my mind to it. Just like right now. I just did a 30 minute Yoga workout with the Jillian Michael
s DVD that Missy got me for my birthday. Of course, I could only do about 15 minutes of it today, but I tried. I want to get rid of my tummy line. It really grosses me out. I didn't EVER have it before, even last year it wasn't there. Now that it is (and that I have some horrific pictures of it) I am gonna double time it to get rid of it. I can't deal with being skinny everywhere but my stomach. That's the worst place to be chubby! I can deal with the love handles. I can deal with having to wear shorts instead of bikini bottoms, but I can't deal with having a fat tummy. So I'm gonna kick it up a notch and get these abs toned. And Im gonna move out of my house. And I'm still on the lookout for a new job. And I'm on the lookout for a campsite in Lotus!!
I also want to find someone who will give me a back massage. I could really really go for one right about now. Strong hands to work out the tension in me, to soothe my wounds, to comfort me. I miss Shaun in that way. He was so solid for me, so comfortable to be around. But I don't deserve his sweetness, and I am not allowed to miss it. He gave me a birthday present, a Das Boot to drink out of. It's awesome and it makes me miss him all the more.
I also miss Kyle a lot. His genuine interest and fascination captivated me. I need to send him another postcard, but I don't want to send him something dumb. I want to send him something good, something pretty or something clever. Or at least something not boring, lol.
I'm surfing youtube, and going through Bon Iver videos I found this and fell in love. I don't like her vocals as much as I like Bon Iver's, but I love the piano and the way she sings it, with the slight pauses and extending some of the notes. It's beauty in musical form and I want to be able to express myself in a strong way like this and not fall apart. Take a listen and close your eyes:

I said earlier that I was listening to 'Eat Pray Love' and just for an update, I still am. I am not as inspired by the 'Pray' section as one would think. I liked the 'Eat' section loads more. Maybe because I am not a spiritual person? Probably. I am open to the idea, but I haven't found anything that has made me stop and wonder. Most religions seem like a rote, a habit. I want to find something that I desire in a religion. That I need, that I can breathe in and out and feel through my pores. I haven't yet, and although that is obviously what she has found in her spiritual quest, I don't think I will take up her Yogi lifestyle. I do want to calm my thoughts and find peace, but I have to find it for myself. So far the closest I have found it is in a beautiful song, like the one I posted just above. I just feel better when listening to something gorgeous.
Anyway. I started watching Game Of Thrones today on my lunch break, and I am totally into it. I slip so easily into new things, I just finished Shameless this weekend, and am on season 3 of Buffy already. I have Six Feet Under, but I think I am going to put that on the back burner until I finish Game Of Thrones (which will take me like 2 weeks). I am converting the ones Shaun gave me into mp4 so I can put it on my phone and watch it while I am camping next week. I have HBO GO, but it needs a wireless connection, and my work wireless has been weird lately, not always connecting (super annoying, btw).

I want to write more, but I really need to catch some sleep. Tomorrow I want to finish my filing at work, go to the gym, and bowl over 100. Those are my goals. I need to remember to ask Geo if I can borrow the boombox for camping. I don't see why not, since no one uses it ever.

070511

2011-07-05T18:56:00.000-07:00

I want to be inspired. Not just thoughtfuly inspired but emotionally, physically, completely. I need something to consume me, to drive me, to lead me in the right direction. I recently started listening to "Eat Pray Love" and before I even started it I was prejudiced against liking it. Mostly because of the Julia Roberts movie to be completely honest. I don't like Julia Roberts that much, and so I didn't want anything to do with the book OR the movie. That was a mistake. I am on only the second disk and I feel so much for Elizabeth Gilbert. I can relate, not to her messy and awful divorce, but to her indecision, her unhappiness, and her confusion. Because of her status as a writer (for Indonesia) and her relationship with a man (her ex boyfriend David) she was presented with opportunities to visit the world and live in both countries for 4 months. Her trip to Italy, where she goes first, was all on her own (but afforded through a book advance). I don't have that, but I have some money saved up. She just started talking about how she can make friends anywhere, and that makes her a good traveler. I don't have that either, but I can make do. I don't converse with people easily, I am too paranoid and closed up and scared. Which is why I think I would need someone else with me there, to help. But who else can take months off and prance around the world with me? no one. So I have a dilemma.

First I need to focus my writing. I'm gonna start by more accurately and (hopefully) articulately polish my previous writings. I'm gonna do something to make my days worth writing about, instead of the dull drivel that you see here in my posts.

All this will be starting soon (have you noticed that I make a lot of plans? But rarely actually do anything about them?- I need to change that!). If you don't already know, Friday is my birthday. I'll be 25 and I haven't accomplished anything that I hold in esteem. I don't want to be turning 26 and be in the same position I am now.

Things have to change. For the better. Soon.

070211

2011-07-02T23:16:00.001-07:00

Shaun's got me hooked on the US version of Shameless with William H. Macy. I'm on episode 4 and I love it. Joan Cusak is hilarious.

Today we went to Warped Tour and melted a little bit in the sun. 3oh3! played at the same time as Unwritten Law so I went and saw Unwritten Law and caught the tail end of the 3oh3!, then we walked around for a bit. We ended up in the seats for the amphitheater for 2 hours waiting for some bands to play, then we left around 530. Hung out at Missys and watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Good day, tomorrow will be a lounge around day. I need to look around online for camping spots for August, and look through the ads for some camping stuff.

Oh god I always sound so boring on this. I actually do interesting things, I think provocative thoughts and I do fun activities. But I never have time to write about them!!

I've been marathoning Buffy The Vampire Slayer while I get ready for bed lately, and I'm on season 2 right now (Angel just turned evil). When I have a moment in my room I try and cram in a few moments of Shameless (and then onto Game of Thrones when I finish).

Ugh this is so boring I can't even look at it anymore. Adios journal. Maybe tomorrow I'll be more inspired.

061311

2011-06-13T22:21:00.000-07:00

Massive Buffy rewatch-a-thon commenced today. It's gonna be epic (and will give me something to do this summer).

Emotions been all over the place lately. One dude in particular has crawled his way back into my head and it's pissing me off. Why bring up old stuff? Anywho.

I wish I could just write this while I drive home from work. That's when all my thoughts flow nicely and sound coherent. When I finally get in front of the computer I zonk out and nothing comes out right. I swear one day I will master this journaling thing. Maybe then I'll be able to master the speaking thing!

I want to watch The Borgias as well, but I don't get Showtime! Maybe it will be on Netflix.

Gosh I am boring. Here are my latest plans: Ditch Boston, head for Seattle! Maybe ditch Seattle and backpack around Europe for a few months. Either way I am getting out. Missy and I came up with the Europe thing Saturday night while drinking Pear Cider at the Alehouse. We're gonna do it! And a cruise to the Bahamas (but that's been in the cards for years). I want to redo my hair for the summer. I want to learn to bake properly. I don't want to have to move out of my house. I like my house, I like my room. I don't want to have to leave it. Dad's truck finally failed, he's driving the Honda while mom rides her bike to school. We'll see how long that lasts.

Why do I write in this? A form of therapy I guess, but I never get anything good out when I post. Maybe I'll install dragon dictation on my phone again and think out loud when I drive home, that might be more productive.

Btw, I love my computer. The only thing I want now is a new chair (this one is too heavy and uncomfortable).

Blah, maybe tomorrow will have something more useful. I can't really emote and translate into words right. Also it might have to do with the fact that Buffy is on, and I'm distracted.

060211

2011-06-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in awhile. Truth be told, I've been bummed. My plans always go to shit and then I have to recoup and I'm getting tired of building myself back up. Why can't things go well for once?

I had an interview last week, for a PR firm in the city. It was for an internship, $10 an hour (half what I get paid now). I bombed it. I get so nervous my tongue gets twisted and my brain goes blank and I say the same words over and over again and sound like an idiot. I swear I am not an idiot. I am smart, I get things done, I am curious, and I want more than anything to be involved in PR. But I can never get these traits across when I interview, because my social anxiety comes creeping up and takes over, like a sleeper agent. So there goes that opportunity. I would have rocked that job.

Also, Sara can't move out until March. That's too late for me. So there goes Boston. I could go without her, but I wasn't too keen on the east coast unless I would be with someone. So I'm looking into Seattle again. Maybe it will be easier to find a job out there. I can go visit for a weekend in the summer, walk around, find places that are hiring and look at cheap studio apartments.

I would love to just move to SF, so I can be close to my family but live in the city like I want. But that just doesn't seem to work out for me. One thing I know for sure, I can't deal with my job for much longer. I want to rip out my hair when I'm at work, and then cry when I'm driving home and reflecting on my day, my life, etc.

I went to San Diego this weekend, it was a blast. I would move back down there, but there aren't any jobs there either, or I would have been able to stay. Maybe I am being to narrow, but I don't want to end up with just another dead end job like I have now. I want to bloom and grow and become a real person. I feel like little wooden Pinocchio, trying to transform into a real boy. I just need a chance!

This is in the first Questionable Content cominc, I had to screen shot it and show everyone. This is how I feel! In a comic! From 8 years ago!

Now onto the soundtrack of the day: Gold Guns Girls by Metric. Love this song, love this beat, love Emily Haines.

052411

2011-05-24T21:14:00.000-07:00

Oh Sharks you're killing me. Can't you just win!! It's torture to watch you and be nervous. Also, I'm missing the Glee finale (although it's being DVR'd). I would really appreciate an overtime goal right now. Please?

On another note, I have tomorrow off. Yay! I get to sleep in a bit. Weird, I took the day off because its been slow, and then this week has been busy again. But I made plans to hang out in the city and see my sister, so I wouldn't come in even if they called tomorrow. Afterward she's driving me home and she'll be home on Thursday. She's gonna be on my computer, I know it. I should password protect it or something, so she can't corrupt it. I love her, but everything technological she touches melts into crap and breaks down.

Short post, I'm doing my nails. I got really frustrated at a rude customer today, it seems to happen more and more often! People get more rude and I lose my patience easier and easier. I watched episode 3 of Mildred Pierce the other night, it was good but to be honest, I have trouble feeling too bad for her. She treats Veda like she's golden, when really she needs to show her her place. It's not really a wonder that Veda walks all over her.

I reread Catching Fire, and I think it's my favorite one. I love The Hunger Games, but I adore the relationship between Peeta and Katniss in Catching Fire. I don't really like Mockingjay that much, I think mostly because they spend a lot of time apart, and when they do finally reunite, he tries to kill her. So, not that happy. Also, there's a lot of war and Katniss seems to just walk around most of the book. I can't wait until the movie comes out. I have seen all the pictures so far, and am so excited for all the casting. Next March I will definitely be in line for the midnight show. Speaking of midnight shows, Harry Potter comes out July 15th!!! Everytime I see a poster or a trailer for it I get goosebumps. Goosebumps!

Soundtrack for today is.....Boxcar Racer "There Is..."

Enjoy!

051911

2011-05-19T14:00:00.001-07:00

Because I want to remember how much I liked this song:

Edit:
11:25pm- I get my computer tomorrow!!! should be shipped to work then I'm gonna race home and set it up and make it awesome. I don't think I'm gonna use Microsoft office, I might just stick with open office like kourt uses. Its gonna be the only thing that gets me through tomorrow's slow work day. I'm also gonna do a collage for the desk thing mom gave me. Right it's just plain black, boring. It's gotta be pretty for my new computer.

Look at me! Big girl website, desk, computer, bed, tv, sound system, blu-ray player, iPhone... All I need now is a new car! and Harry Potter midnight show tickets.

Now I just have to get people to realize how awesome I am and hire me, and I'll be set!!

051811

2011-05-18T10:16:00.001-07:00

I finally did it! I bought my new computer. Now I just have to wait 5-7 days for it to be shipped, then I can fully enjoy it!! I'm so excited. I keep dancing a little when I think about it. I have to find the best way to transfer over all my files, and then I can organize them and start with a clean slate! My music is a mess right now, with a lot of the files on the external hard drive on my laptop, and some on the hard drive itself. Also, my photos are all over the place. So I can make it all nice and neat and then I won't ever have a problem finding things!! And I can better sync up my iPhone and take photobooth pictures with my HD webcam! and Skype with anyone and be able to seem them clearly! And I will be able to go on websites right away instead of waiting 10 minutes for my computer to work! I can't wait. I love new gadgets, and now I can figure out my way around a Mac!

In other news, it's extremely slow at work. Rachel and Larry are both off today (with Charlie but he never comes in anymore). I want to go home too, but I can't. And Rachel didn't look too good this morning, so I felt kinda bad for her. I want to take a day off next week and then next weekend we are going to San Diego! Lots of stuff to look forward to.

So the story I was coming up with is very similar to the premise for a new show called "Awake" that was just up for Pilot season. Should I still develop it? I think I will, if the show is a hit then it might sell! It's not the same thing, just similar, with sleep being the barrier between two worlds (of course, I would write a book about sleep).

I need to find a postcard to send to Kyle. I was supposed to get one in Disneyland but I forgot. I was gonna get one in Sacramento last weekend but I didn't. Maybe I should make one? I could do that!

I still need a better title for this blog, this one doesn't seem to make much sense (even with the translator).

Soundtrack time! I've been listening to this band a lot since the concert on Saturday. Here's my favorite song off the CD!

The Swellers "Feet First"

050311

2011-05-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

Been quite busy lately! Weekend was full of the Livermore Annual Honey and Wine Festival and sleep. Work has been surprisingly picking up.

The weather has been gorgeous and I always forget that I love California in the summer. I've had Jack's Mannequin on repeat on Grooveshark, and that's gonna be the soundtrack for the day (see below). The lyrics are so refreshing- like sipping some ice cold lemonade and sitting on the porch. I just feel like i'm floating sometimes when I listen to Andrew's songs. They're beautiful and happy and make me want to stay here and find a job I love and be happy. Basically they bring a smile to my face and I can stand the whole day at work.

Today I struggled with a bit more of my Mac vs. PC debate. The new iMacs came out, and Uncle Mike forwarded an email to me about the specs and pricing. I think I want one soo bad!! If I don't like it I can always try selling it on craigslist and going back to a PC. But I want to check it out at the Apple store or something. And I don't really have anyone to go with. Maybe tomorrow I can convince someone to meet me at the mall.... hmmmm..

Sara and I have started working on a plan to move to the East Coast in the fall. She has to save up some money, and we are both gonna need to find a job. But I'm excited. I got an email from Kyle the other day, and in it he says he probably won't come back to Livermore again. He says there's nothing left here for him. That's exactly how I feel. I like Livermore, it's so pretty and my family is here.... but there's nothing else. I really really want a job. I don't want to feel like I have wasted all my potential. I feel kind of ridiculous that I will be 25 years old and I have to be an intern to get my foot in the door. I was an intern 3 years ago. since then I have done NOTHING. I just feel pathetic.

Which is why Boston will be a new start for me. I will be able to find a decent job, share an apartment with my cousin, and hopefully make some friends! What I want more than anything is a change. Just a change.

I always seem to get to this dark place when I blog, mostly because I reflect on my life and I always feel like my life sucks. Instead of whining I need to do something about it, which is why as soon as I am done writing this I am going to write an email to a previous contact about a PR internship in the city for the summer, and I'm gonna write chapter one of my novel. And I'm gonna grab something to eat. Maybe mac n cheese.

Anyway, soundtrack time. Like I said, Jack's Mannequin is like taking a sip of California concentrate. Here's "Holiday From Real" but I also really like "The Resolution" and "The Mixed Tape":

I'll look for work today
I'm spilling out the door
Put my glasses on
So no one sees me

042811

2011-04-28T11:04:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about taking the summer off work, dying more of my hair purple, and then starting fresh somewhere new in September. Like going off to school! But it would be for work. And I don't have a job yet....

I've looked into Seattle and I think I would like it there, I've also looked into Boston and Phoenix. Job wise I'm gonna probably have to move there first and then find a job (which makes me nervous, but you gotta take the plunge, right?).

But I'm so nervous that I'm going to be stuck where I am. I don't want this life, I need to change it! It's been good when I needed it. But now I want to break out into the corporate world and get settled into a new job. I would prefer a Public Relations job, but really I will take anything that's not a receptionist. I applied for a job with Lucasfilm, that would be great but I never heard anything back (I rarely hear anything back).

I swear I'm a great worker! I will do anything asked of me and do it well. I am a pro at multitasking with an insane knack for spotting errors. I admit that sometimes I can't speak very well (I get tongue tied when nervous) but I think the most important thing is that I try. I try really hard and I succeed. How do I get people to see that?

Soundtrack for the day is my The Sounds Pandora station, which features such fare as "Painted By Numbers." Fun video, I love Maja's voice.

Maybe I should move to Sweden instead!!

042611

2011-04-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

I feel restless. I want to lay down but I don't want to fall asleep. I want to write but I can't decide what to focus on. I want to cuddle but have no one anymore!

Also I keep having these daydreams about Logan Couture, it's really weird. I have big teeth, and he has big teeth, and with the Sharks on my mind a lot lately (Yay, we beat LA!!!!) I can't get my mind off him (and Jamie McGinn). Weird. It's really weird. I swear I'm not a creeper.

Song of the day is Editors "No Sound But The Wind"

042411

2011-04-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter!

Today was a good day, I got to see my whole family. That probably won't happen again until Thanksgiving. There should be another holiday during the summer, just so we can all get together more often. Or at least more evenly spaced throughout the year!

I did my hair curly today, I haven't tried to style it like this since I cut it so short. It doesn't look bad, but I don't think I like it more than when I do it straight. So I'll probably leave it like this for tomorrow, but then tomorrow night just shower and straighten it again.

In other news, Mom and Dad told everyone their plan for moving to Arizona when dad can retire in a couple years. We also watched a TON of HGTV today. It was all House Hunters, Property Virgins, and My First Place. And then the Giants game (which they lost). Also, the Sharks lost last night. Sad face :( That just means we have to win tomorrow when we're back in LA. I hope we do, otherwise Game 7 is gonna be super tense and we might not make it!! I really wish we could have just won last night, but no- Sharks gotta make it difficult for the fans. I also really hope that they work on their pass completion and faceoff rates. Normally we kick butt on the faceoffs, but we were behind last night. And we always seem to miss passes. I don't want to just survive the playoffs- I want to dominate!!

Also last night was Doctor Who Season Six premiere. IT WAS AWESOME and I can't believe that I have to wait until next Saturday for the second half. Some intense stuff happens, and I won't spoil anyone- but if you're a fan you have to watch it. I'm glad Rory is a main cast member now, and I still don't like River Song... but I'm still a devoted fan of the TARDIS driving Time Lord and his companions :)

I's almost nine right now, I'm gonna open my Microsoft Word document and try to write something. I had a crazy dream the other night, hopefully it will translate into a story. I haven't written anything lately (more accurately, I haven't finished anything lately).

Here we go! Parting music for today is gonna be a Glee song, coming up on this week's episode "Born This Way." It's sung by Lea Michele and Dianna Agron, and is a mashup of TLC's "Unpretty" and Fiddler on the Roof's "I Feel Pretty"

042311

2011-04-23T12:11:00.001-07:00

Today is gonna be a busy day for me. I got up, cleaned my room, changed my sheets, helped mom with her kindle, cleaned the bathroom, put away my laundry... and I still have to make baklava with dad, go over to Missy's and make a TARDIS cake, watch "Somewhere," watch the Sharks vs LA game (we better win!!!), and prepare ourselves for the awesomeness that is Doctor Who Season Six Premiere!!!! I cannot tell you how excited about this I am.

Last night we went to Christine's house and played Disney Cranium and Things. Both games were fun :) I love hanging out with Christine, now that she lives closer hopefully it will happen more often. Jackie bailed, but that's not really unexpected.

Video for the day:

The Black Keys "Howlin' For You"

I just love that video, it looks like a movie preview but it's not!! And I love Tricia Helfer (because I am a BSG fan to the end).

No introspection today, I have other things to do than sit around being emo today.

sidenote: I need to come up with a better name for this blog 'Kheli's Journal Fun Time' sucks pretty hardcore.

GO SHARKS, BEAT LA!!!!!!

042111

2011-04-21T16:15:00.000-07:00

There is a whole 45 minutes left of the work day. What am I going to do in that amount of time? I wrote up all my paperwork for tomorrow. I did that hours ago. I called the technicians and told them not to come in. I ordered the parts that need to be ordered. I called the customers I needed to call. I stapled and filed the paperwork from yesterday. I printed new stickers to try to push our facebook and stuck them on the work orders for tomorrow. I will answer the phone whenever it rings, but when will it ring next? Today has been one of the slowest days I have ever experienced here. I spent some time finishing up my website (up now, check it out!), I browsed facebook, read my daily blogs- there was a really neat article on a Parisian underground secret club (read it here), and went to Fry's on my lunch break to look at the HP All-In-One computers they had (not the model I was looking for).

Tonight is Game 4 of the Sharks vs. Kings Playoffs. We're going to The Vine to watch the game, and I am praying that we win. Tuesday's game was so intense, I hope this one is equally exciting.

I've had a bunch of random music on today, started out with some Explosions In The Sky on Grooveshark, moved over to The Sounds on Pandora, then Glee songs on Youtube.... I ended up with Radical Face's Welcome Home on repeat(see below).

"Sheets are swaying from an old clothesline

Like a row of captured ghosts over old dead grass

Was never much but we made the most

Welcome home"

Anyway, today kinda feels like a waste. I am curious as to what tomorrow will bring, because Fridays are notoriously slow, and I did everything today that I could- what can I do tomorrow? Maybe I'll bring in my color book again...

First Post!

2011-04-20T13:16:00.001-07:00

I am rehauling everything that I do on the web. This will be my personal blog, where I can vent and comment and post my short stories.

I have a few other websites you can check out:
Tumblr
Adventures in Recapping
The List(that I share with Missy)
Personal Website